Advice For My Twenty Year Old Self

Over the last few months, I've been contacted by a number of younger men who have been seeking advice for their careers, businesses, health/fitness and relationships.  I am not an expert in any of these areas; however, I've had the privilege to meander along various paths in the last thirty-five years, which have led me to points of both elation and desperation.  Along the journey, I've read many books, listened to countless podcasts, travelled the world, met many interesting people, broken hearts & had mine broken, and explored various careers.  With the advantage of hindsight, I had the opportunity to share some insights I've learned and advice I would give to my younger self.  I'll be sharing some of the advice I gave to them here.  

Lessons:

1. Learn what you truly desire in life and don't be influenced by others.  Your desires are your own. 

2. Don't compare yourself to others. If you are always chasing what someone else has, it will be challenging to find happiness and contentment.

3. Plan, strategize, and execute on your own goals. As long as you are improving and growing each day, you've already won.

4. Learn to delineate between the elements of a situation you can and cannot control. Focus on what you can control and try not to stress about the uncontrollable factors.

5. Create a value framework that you can live by.

6. Express gratitude, even for the seemingly insignificant moments.

Understand Your Desires 

Have you ever asked yourself: why do I want "X"?  Whether it's money, a ripped body, fast cars, a big home, or an amazing partner, do you ever wonder the 'why' behind these aspirations?  There is no right or wrong answer, but contemplating the 'why' can lead to additional questions that impact your actions.  With the proliferation of varying social media channels at our fingertips, we have access to pretty much anything we can conjure up in our minds.  With AI, we have the ability to curate the information that streams into our feeds; this is further exacerbated by companies like Meta, Instagram, Google, Tik Tok, and the like which have the smartest engineers working on algorithms to bombard us with more of what we like and follow.  

It's pretty simple to identify the effectiveness of these algorithms.  Go to your favorite social media platform and like/follow a random photo, video, or topic, and within a few minutes, you'll be viewing a never ending list of similar items.  I'm not suggesting that all social media is bad or pointless, but I believe that the information we are exposed to on a daily basis can dramatically impact our desires.  Constant exposure to Photoshopped and AI-generated idealized content can easily start distorting our views of what we perceive to be "normal".  I'm guilty of scrolling monotonously through various Instagram and Meta posts that portray perfect lives and it sometimes leaves a sense of dissatisfaction in my life.  

While endlessly thumbing through various posts, identify the moments when the feeling of desire, jealousy, or envy arise.  Whether it's a beautiful car, stunning woman, or a vacation on an exotic island, ask yourself why you desire what you are looking at.  We have been so accustomed to viewing the augmented and touched up versions of everyone else's' lives that we forget to live the life we have. 

A perfect example of this was during my trip to Montaña Arcoíris ('Rainbow Mountain) in Peru.  I had been looking forward to visiting this region, because  I had seen numerous photos during my research (see below) which had shown vibrant colors cascaing down the surrounding mountain tops; however, when I arrived after a two-hour drive from Cusco, I was disappointed.  The colors were quite dull and many of the varying hews I'd seen during my research weren't even visible.  Little did I know that many of the images on the internet were modified to accentuate the colors.  Had I not created an idealized image of Rainbow Mountain prior to visiting, I believe I would have appreciated the moment significantly more.  

Lesson: Learn what you truly desire in life and don't be influenced by others. Your desires are your own.  

Top: Photo taken from Google Images | Bottom: Photo taken in person

Play Your Own Game

I recently heard the phrase "play stupid games, win stupid prizes" and it resonated with me, because I feel this is applicable in many aspects of life. Whenever I was playing someone else's game, I realized that regardless of whether I won or lost, the prize at the end never satisfied the initial desire to play the game in the first place. Half the time, I was competing against people who had no idea we were actually competing against one another. By allowing myself to adjust my decision process and actions to compete in their game, I ended up down a path that I never intended to be on. I learned this through racing in both triathlons and marathons. 

Over the last two decades of racing, I have come to realize that the smartest and most successful athletes stick to their own game plan. Whenever I stopped following my own training or race strategy, it led to burnout, injury, or bonking (running out of energy).  In the early days of my racing career, I would try various diets, workouts, and equipment, believing that I could get an edge on my competition.  However, after developing confidence in my own strategy and preparation to achieve the goals I set for myself, I stopped being influenced by the performance of others.  Once I started racing my own race (similar to life), I learned to be satisfied with whatever the results were, because no one ever raced under the same exact circumstances as I was.  This alleviated the stress associated with the perceived feeling of falling behind and it gave me the freedom to enjoy the experience.  At the end of the day, the person I should be comparing myself to is my previous self.  

Lesson: Plan, strategize, and execute on your own goals.  As long as you are improving and growing each day, you've already won.  

Focus on What You Can Control 

Life is unpredictable and many aspects of life are completely out of your control. The Serenity Prayer, "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference" is commonly used in Alcoholics Anonymous; however, it is a virtue that can be applied to all aspects of life.  You will be dealt a number of cards which are completely out of your control, but it is how and when  you play those cards that dictates what happens in life. 

I have been known to be the type of person who tries to foresee all outcomes and create solutions to every possible problem that could arise.  I previously thought that by attempting to control all aspects of every potential scenario, I could dictate the outcome; however, this isn't possible.  This led to bouts of confusion, frustration, anger, and depression, because there was the gnawing stress of the unknown outcomes.  By focusing on the elements you can control and learning to be comfortable with the uncontrollable, it can reduce both the stress and anxiety of the unknown.   Develop the confidence in yourself to address any potential adverse situations as they arise.   

Lesson: Learn to delineate between the elements of a situation you can and cannot control.   Focus on what you can control and try not to stress about the uncontrollable factors.  

Establish Your Values 

Throughout life, we develop our sense of right and wrong.  As we mature, these values may evolve to suit the lifestyles and circumstances that we find ourselves in. By defining your personal life values, you will create a compass which you can continually turn back to for directions.  There will be many inflection points in life that may cause you to lose sight of what is important.  But upholding your values will define your character and sense of integrity which is essential to living a fulfilled and enriched life.  

Lesson: Create a value framework that you can live by.  

Relationships 

As a serial monogamist (one who moves from one romantic relationship to another very quickly, spending as little time single as possible), I didn't spend much time getting to know myself outside of a relationship in my twenties.  I do not regret being in any of my relationships, because I learned a lot about myself. Your twenties are a unique period of time which self discovery is pivotal.  When you are in a romantic relationship, you must juggle the needs and desires of both you and your partner.  If you have not developed a strong sense of "self", through seeking out activities, experiences, and people that make you feel alive, both you and your partner may not be living to your fullest potential.  Once you have established your boundaries and learned effective communication skills, you will be better suited to find a partner which you can grow both independently and together. 

Jim Rohn famously said that "you are the average of the five people that you spend the most time with".  This may be true; however, the caveat is that you will fall to the lowest denominator of those five individuals.  Surround yourself with friends, family, colleagues, and/or mentors who inspire you, cultivate a desire to grow and learn, challenge your preconceived ideas/thoughts, and support your endeavours.  They should be capable of offering advice and also comfortable dishing out the hard truths.   It feels great to have cheerleaders, but is that going to make you a better version of yourself?  

Lesson: Spend time developing your sense of self, so you can establish your boundaries.  Surround yourself with people who are willing to go on the journey of elevating each other to new levels. Once you have the confidence to be your true self and can effectively communicate your boundaries, you greatly increase the chances that a romantic partnership can flourish.

Show Gratitude

Life is finite and in many ways defined by the small moments.  Take the opportunity to appreciate the seemingly insignificant moments, and the notable and remarkable occasions will be that much more enjoyable.  Expressing gratitude helps develop resilience to weather the low points in life and will change your perception of unfortunate and negative circumstances. 

Lesson: Express gratitude, even for the seemingly insignificant moments.  

Hindsight is always 20/20, so I try not to spend too much time dwelling on the past.  The ups and downs of life have given me the opportunity to learn and grow.  Spending time to reflect and apply what I have discovered has been a helpful practice.  As I approach the latter part of my thirties, I realize there will be lessons that I will continue to learn and being open to all possibilities is going to be absolutely pivotal.  I hope that by the time I reach the next decade, I will be a little wiser.  

Thank you for reading.  If you found this to be helpful, please feel free to share or subscribe.  Thanks!

Live in the Present 

We have all heard the phrases "grass is greener on the other side" or "keep up with Jones"; however, the implications of comparison and envy aren't highlighted.  Some would argue that comparing what you have to others can give you motivation to work harder.  This is a valid point; however, is what you are striving for what you had originally truly desired?  Or, are you simply looking over the fence to see what you could have.  Theodore Roosevelt once stated that "comparison is the thief of joy".  It has become so relevant in today's society in which we have easy access to updates on our friends' lives or even people we don't even have any relationship to via social media.  When we assess our own levels of achievement on a relative scale to those around us, we may never find a sense of contentment.  There will always be someone that is smarter, stronger, better looking, richer, etc, so until you find peace in where you are, you may find yourself dissatisfied despite achieving your goals.  

Learning to discover what makes you happy and content is a process.  Defining "success" for yourself can be invaluable.  You may need to put up blinders until you have the confidence in yourself to know when enough is enough.  Continue to learn and grow, but do so with an intrinsic drive as opposed to an extrinsic drive.  

Lesson: Don't compare yourself to others.  If you are always chasing what someone else has, it will be challenging to find happiness and contentment.